My story…….

So why am I telling you my story……..as I said, I have been through the pain and humiliation of infidelity, I have made the decision to make my marriage work and I know there are so many of you out there that have a similar story or would just like to know that you are not alone. The title of my blog “The secret life after infidelity” is a reference to the changes your life takes after and how, if you try make your marriage work; the changes your marriage will be required to make.

Nobody ever said that marriage is easy, it requires constant effort and intervention. We all know this but most the time we struggle to comply. My husband and I were well into our marriage, we were happy, content and comfortable, well, at least that’s what I thought. I noticed some changes, so if you are reading this and you have experienced the pain of being cheated on, you may find that the signs are similar if not the same. I firstly noticed a change in his attitude towards me, he started becoming increasingly and visibly irritated by me and my presence, we were adapting to parenthood at the time so I assumed it was taking it’s toll on him. He barely touched me, we were barely having sex, in fact he didn’t even look at me, worry about what I had done during the day, let’s just say that I may as well not have been there.

So as our instincts are strongly telling us something is wrong, your realistic side is telling you to stop being ridiculous and that you should put your suspicions aside…..well that is what I did, but the signs just kept coming. Over and above the lack of care and feelings of neglect, he started to be very very aware of his appearance……..oh my word, he was so vain, other than becoming obsessed with gym, he started to wear name branded undies and socks, all Tommy Hillfiger (now please, this is not something that should be frowned upon in a general situation if that is what you are used to, but if it’s a sudden change from wearing standard no name brands to something quite pricey, it is an alarm bell). He started to purchase more expensive well known brand clothing. He started to shave his chest hairs and I noticed that he shaved his balls……..yip, I have heard that one a few times from other women. He always had his nose in his phone, and not that he was browsing, he was always typing something…….so……you may ask, did I check? of course I tried, but his phone was with him all the time, it had a passcode and I had no idea what it was and of course it was on silent.

On the intimacy subject, well let’s just say, it was non existent, if I tried to initiate sex, he would come up with the most ridiculous excuse, that still today hurt me to my core, if we did have sex on the very rare occasion it was not at all memorable, he was not even there…….that hurt even more and still does. I later found out that he was trying his best to be faithful to his mistress (she asked him to)……….yes, that is irony at its best, my cheating husband, the man I was married to, the man that had vowed to be faithful, had broken those vows to be faithful to his mistress……….what a joke, and quite frankly something that, if it were me, I would be embarrassed about…….

Just before the truth came out, I started to frantically look for evidence, I started to freak out and already started to follow my instincts that he was having an affair……..so of course I started to google behaviors a straying partner displays, I did some facebook stalking, little did I know at the time that the one women I did stalk was the very women he was having an affair with. One day however, everything came to a heads when I initiated sex in a desperate attempt to connect with him, it was that day that I knew things were seriously wrong, he simply rejected me saying that my hair was wet………..just writing this hurts, I can still hear him say it, I still hurt at the thought. I confronted him, and he then admitted that he doesn’t want to have sex because he noticed that I skipped one of my pills and he doesn’t want me to fall pregnant. I did not believe him, but he had a way of turning the problem on me, and I left that conversation feeling like I was the rotten apple in the relationship and that I was the one that needed improving.

Later that night I managed to get hold of his tablet and there I found………..I found erotic memes and quotes, I couldn’t trace who they were sent to or where they came from but they were definitely not for me, so what happened next?……………

I approached him regarding the memes and quotes and he non-chalantly replied that he saved them from Facebook because he liked them……..now come on, Im not an idiot, of course that was not true, I asked him if there was anyone else and he looked me in the eye and said “No”. In the meantime he had arranged for us to see a marriage counsellor. During this session, he opted to start talking first by claiming how his life is separate as a man that works and a father at home……note the absence of being a husband? He carried on with a story that didnt make sense, something about him outgrowing our life……blah blah blah. Once I had a chance to talk, I straight out asked whether he was having an affair, he first reply was “Hypothetically, what if I was having an affair?” I was so taken by that question that I replied in the most common way by saying “I would leave you” and so there he had his out………..he said “Ok, so do you want to know if there has been an affair?……………YES”. In my entire life I have never seen a more smug look than that one, like he enjoyed to see me hurt, like he took pleasure in it, that face still haunts me today. That look on his face could well be compared to the look on a sibling’s face when when the other gets into trouble……a feeling of satisfaction. I HATED HIM.