Why should the infidelity that has affected your marriage remain a secret if you make it work?

The secrets in your marriage after infidelity or rather the secret marriage after infidelity!

I chose to give my husband another chance, I chose to make my marriage work and so it was agreed that nobody would know what had happened, not even a little, not the extent, nothing. Why? Surely I was dying to tell everyone I knew, everyone he knew……yes I was, I was angry, he hurt me and I wanted people to know who he was and I wanted people to take my side and discard him and make him feel shit!!

But…….take a step back……….look at the bigger picture……look into the future. So you have decided to make your marriage work but at the same time you want to tell the world, everyone has an opinion right? Everyone you tell about your pain is going to tell you what you ought to do because society expects you to leave a straying partner, everyone will want a finger in the pie……..but what then?

So everybody has an opinion and tells you what’s best and tells you to leave your partner because infidelity is unforgivable and that is exactly “what they would do”, but here is the problem, should you take to heart everyone’s opinions and follow through with what society expects, are you happier for it? So you are alone and crying while they get to carry on. I’m not saying that family or friendship support is wrong and unhelpful but it can cause confusion and doubt, not to mention unwanted pressure.

I never stopped loving my husband, he immediately portrayed guilt and remorse for his actions, I spent a week deliberating on my own without anyone’s advice and today, three and a half years later I don’t regret having this secret in my marriage, I don’t regret making the decision to stay……it was my decision and mine only, I own it, nobody influenced me, I thought it through!

I know that if we had told people of our troubles, we would still be marked with that, marked with the infidelity that scarred our marriage. He would be judged for his horrific behavior (although there is huge part of me that feels that he deserves some kind of humiliation) and I would be judged for giving an adulterer a chance. Every move he makes would be suspicious to them and I would be expected to be on guard and react and interrogate. Imagine the gossip.

This is one of the many things that has worked for us, keeping our secret, our secret, we still get to keep our identity.

Keep your troubles within your four walls and if you need to, go see a neutral unbiased person such as a counselor, or someone you can trust, not only trust but also know will support you no matter what you decide, in my case I chose my Mom, she has stood by me every step of the way. You are entitled to talk, but find your person.

People talk and people like news, don’t make your life their news, its nor their’s to broadcast.

Just saying…………

So in summary, get a little perspective on the following:

• Find your person – you are entitled to talk about your feelings and your pain, keeping it all inside will be of no benefit to your emotional and mental state. Make sure that your person is a person you can rely on to listen and not give you unsolicited or even inexperienced advice, you want someone that will support you and listen to you. Remember, you have to fight this battle not the person you tell, you only want their ear and their shoulder.
• Revenge by telling is not worth it – yes I know, you are hurt and you want everyone to know what he/she did and how hurt you are, you want your spouse to be punished and humiliated and believe me, I still dream of doing that, but does it take your pain away? It certainly does not, you won’t be healed by everyone knowing, in fact it may make matters worse as everybody will have an opinion.
• Not everyone will agree with you decision to make your marriage work – telling everyone about your spouse’s affair is one thing but to tell them that you want to make your relationship work is another, you may know your spouse pretty well but others don’t and their forgiveness may not come so easily as yours. This in itself creates other issues such as friendships breaking up, people may not agree with your decision out of principal and may decide to no longer be a friend, there are so may things that could happen and in my view, none of them are positive……as I said before, I am happy we have this secret in our marriage as we have been able to maintain our identity as a couple and not judged or tarnished as the couple that has been scarred by infidelity.
• Your marriage needs to heal in private – surely you want to heal your marriage at your own time, in your own way. Speak to your person for support. You don’t need opinions on what you should or should not do, nor do you need the constant reminder that your spouse is an adulterer and you need to keep a close eye. This is your circus, so own it!