Why did he cheat?

That question still haunts me today! Don’t get me wrong, I am happy and I am happy I gave him another chance, I am happy I’m in a marriage that has grown from such an ordeal, but…….I still ask why he did it.

Let’s back track, when the affair came out the first time, his reasons for his behavior was extremely self centered; I drove him to it, I didn’t care about him, he was unhappy, this women made him realize what love really is, this women had a sex drive which I didn’t have, I wasn’t good enough for him anymore, he had outgrown me, I wasn’t interested in him anymore, he didn’t go out looking for someone else but felt good when this women gave him attention…….the list goes on and do any of these reasons sound familiar to you?

I am not going to sit here and say that all these reasons were a load of hogwash, I guess it takes two to tango and after a lot of reflection I knew that some of these reasons may have had some substance……..not the ones about what love really is and certainly not the one about the sex drive, he was clearly delusional because I loved him and I loved him well and as for sex drive, we always had regular sex and it was always memorable sex, so that was simply a justification for his actions.

So let’s look into the reasons he gave me at the time:

• I drove him to it – when he uttered these words, the counselor quickly put a stop to his rant and reminded him that I am not responsible for his actions. So for you, remember you are not responsible for his actions, he made a choice. My husband knowingly made a choice and the affair he had himself involved in was very emotional before it became physical. He very well knew what he was doing. As for me driving him to it……..no way…….I am and have always been a very understanding and uncontrolling wife, I only ever supported him, included him, trusted him and never ever made his life a misery. So for that excuse, I don’t take it to heart and when I found out the second time he admitted that if anything, he lost sight of me and me driving him into another women’s arms was simply an excuse he felt was appropriate at the time.
• I didn’t care about him – I will admit that there was a time in our marriage before all this happened that we drifted, we were getting used being parents. My daughter was really a handful as a toddler and has since been diagnosed with ADHD and dyslexia so my attention was very much on her and I can completely understand why he would have felt that way. It certainly didn’t mean I didn’t care about him, I never stopped loving him but yes I admit, we may have drifted a bit and got enthralled in our daily lives and the perception that I didn’t care was real to him. In fact I felt the same way. I realize now that he just needed someone to show him that I didn’t care and this women made him see this for real.
• He was unhappy – Due to fact that he felt me not noticing him he may have felt unhappy, I get that and come to think of it, so was I, everything felt mundane. I don’t believe he knew he was unhappy until he started getting all this attention though. I wasn’t making him unhappy, we were just in a rutt. I didn’t think anything of it at the time and thought it would get better as our daughter grows up. Being new parents is overwhelming, especially to a child that’s extra demanding on you as as parent. So if he felt unhappy, he never ever communicated it to me and if he did, things could have been different.
• This women showed him what love really is – CRAP…….unless I was an evil controlling vixen that treated him like shit, I would believe that, but God knows how much I love this man, how much I loved him then, and although we had drifted a bit I still reminded him daily that I loved him. Love in itself is a very confusing emotion and I believe my husband found himself “in love” where there are butterflies and everything around you is so rosy and sweet. He later admitted that he confused the infatuation, attraction, lust and flattery with love.
• His words “You just don’t have a sex drive like other women have” – Firstly Im not sure who he was comparing me to other that her……but I will say that this one still hurts me, it still bothers me, it still makes me insecure and vulnerable…..I have not been able to move past this and as much as he admits that he was a dick head, it still came out of his mouth. His affair with this women went from being emotional to very physical and once it was physical it was lustful and it still intrigues me today how he could confuse this lust he had for her with what a sex drive is. In most affairs, sex is a driver, it’s exciting, it’s an adventure and of course the volume of sex they were having would have been exorbitant and he thought this is how it is with all women except me……..actually it makes me laugh, what an idiot. I am happy to report though that as their secret relationship continued, their sex life (as it would) dwindled into near nothing, in fact just nothing………ironic right?
• He didn’t know there was something wrong until this women came into the picture – this one is probably the most valid and most acceptable one. I get it, we carry on living with one another, our lives become a routine, it’s a new normal and we accept it. It’s not that we didn’t love one another but we were definitely just carrying on like robots, there was no break in routine, no special surprises, nothing extra spicy, no changes. I understand that when someone else as charming as this women comes along and flatters you and makes you feel like the King himself then I can believe your ego would be inflated and suddenly everything you felt was normal is now totally wrong, and the spouse at home has made you unhappy, made you feel neglected and you realize that there is more. I always say…….if only he just came to me, he would have realized that I too felt the way he felt, I was also felling neglected. We seriously lacked communication. I know this now and I don’t sit here and say I’m innocent in all this, I wasn’t the one that cheated and I didn’t drive him to it, but if everything was perfect at home he would have been able to see that this women’s advances were inappropriate and would have stopped them, instead he fell for it and continuously looked for excuses and justification.

What I’m trying to say is, don’t blame yourself but be mature enough to look int the reasons, take a bit of time to reflect and understand, sometimes the reasons for infidelity are valid and the partner that has been hurt may also have to come to the party and admit certain faults. It’s still no excuse to cheat but have an open mind and try and understand. For me, wanting to make my marriage work, I knew I had to do a lot of introspection and change a lot of things about how I approached situations, I had to learn again what worked and what didn’t, we again had to figure out what buttons we should and should not press with one another but bottom line……we had to learn to COMMUNICATE with one another.

There is no excuse for cheating, nothing whatsoever validates such behaviour but it can be understood why it would happen, it can be understood why a partner would be led into temptation. In order to make your marriage work, you have to be open to improving on things that may have been taken for granted such as communication or the spicy stuff. Look at yourself and reflect and admit to certain areas that you may have come short. The sooner you can make peace with the fact that you also need to work on yourself (even though you didn’t cheat), the sooner you marriage will start moving forward in the right direction. In my view, counseling always helps as it is an impartial person that can help you see and understand.

Just saying…..