Reasons to make your marriage work after infidelity

Finding out that your spouse has betrayed you is one of the most hurtful and humiliating experiences I have ever had. There were days where I wished I rather had a broken bone than a broken heart……in fact, it felt as though my soul, my identity, my privacy and my dignity had been robbed from me.

If you have read my story, you will know by now that my husband will definitely not get the “husband of the decade” award, in fact, it may even be a long shot to give him “husband of the year”. He confessed to having a year long affair, agreed upon my request to make our marriage work but simply carried on with the affair only for me to find out 3 years later that it had never ended, making the affair last for 4 years. OUCH!!!!

Now, seeing that I have two experiences of this nature I have been able to pick up profound differences in the situations I found myself in. So I am going to take each revelation and list the things that happened and thereafter point out the differences.

For argument sake……let’s call it the first revelation vs. the second revelation

First revelation	Second revelation
He was visibly different before I found out, distant, irritable and out right repelled by me.	There was no sign whatsoever, he was loving, caring….we were incredibly happy.
When he told me about the affair, he first wanted to know what I would do – he wanted me to say “I would leave you”, he wanted out.	He knew too well that his marriage would be over and rather tried to end the relationship with her which became increasingly difficult due to her threats and blackmail. He couldn’t stand to lose me.
When he finally confessed, he was smug and awfully satisfied with this wonderful achievement. He showed absolutely no remorse and no guilt whatsoever, he seemed entitled to his behavior	He was self loathing, showed a huge amount of guilt and remorse for his actions. Hated himself for what he had done to me, our marriage and family.
He told me because of increased pressure from his mistress to leave me.	I found out because she wanted to break up our marriage. He had no intention of leaving me for her…..by then he despised her
He admitted that he never stopped loving me but realized something was missing in our relationship when this women gave him all the attention	Repeatedly told me how he loves me and admitted that he was always the one in the wrong and that he simply took what he had for granted
He never communicated with me regarding his feelings and never ever thought that maybe I felt the same way too (yes, I could have communicated too)	We communicated on everything
He blamed me for him straying. He blamed me for giving our little baby daughter more attention than him, he accused me of not caring about him, despite me sending him daily texts reminding him that I love him	He took full responsibility for his actions. not once did he pass blame or make anyone or anything a scapegoat. He had made a choice and he was willing to face the consequences
He chose to believe every last thing that women said about me, despite knowing me for over 15 years at the time	Post the revelation he said that their arguments were always about how hostile she was towards my existence, how she always tried to brain wash him, buy him over, promise to pay our daughter’s education (WTF), the list goes on and its despicable. He hated her for the things she said of me.
He accused me of not having a sex drive like other women do (hilarious……..this is my favorite, THE IDIOT, suddenly he knew what was a sex drive and what wasn’t, any affair is loaded with infatuation and attraction, so of course you’ll have more sex……in the beginning)	Never ever did he come up with such a ridiculous statement to justify his actions and later admitted to what a dick he was to say something so cold and heartless
I asked that he end it with her and try work on our marriage, after some deliberation, he RELUCTANTLY agreed.	I had no intention at the time of giving him another chance, I was done but this time it was him doing the begging
He was cold and treated me like a stranger for the first few days	He gave me my space but was clearly concerned and distraught, he helped where he could and answered every last question I had without resistance. He was open and honest.

Ok, so why this table, why have I drawn these differences? Let’s just say, that the first revelation was loaded with alarm bells:

• His lack of remorse or guilt
• His reluctance to try work on our marriage
• His nasty comments to justify his behaviour
• His blaming everybody except himself for his actions
• His inability to take responsibility for the disgusting things he had done

I have learnt so much from this entire experience and today I don’t regret where I am, I don’t regret making the decisions I made but I do regret not reading the alarm bells, it would have saved me an immense amount of pain and humiliation, yes, once he came to his senses after the first revelation, we were in the best place ever as a family and couple so we were doing something right but I was not aware of his secret and maybe those alarm bells were only saying “I told you so” when I found out 3 years later.

So what do I want to say to you if you are reading this and wondering if giving your spouse another chance is the right thing…………I would say that if he/she displays what I have listed below……think carefully, there is a strong chance things might not work out the way you want them to:

• Is there remorse and evidence of guilt, and I emphasize remorse. Not showing remorse for your actions when they are wrong only proves that there is no intention of fixing that wrong. Not showing remorse shows that there is no care for those that have gotten hurt in the process and there is ultimately a sense of entitlement to continue.
• Reluctance (on their part) to give your relationship another try is a huge alarm bell, the effort will be one sided, and you will end up doing the work.
• Is there constant need to justify their behaviour? – to make your marriage work the straying party must take full ownership and responsibility for their actions…..working on the marriage means to focus on the road ahead and not look for excuses. Both of you need to own what went wrong and look at the road ahead. No excuses, no victims.

In the second revelation, I had no alarm bells, so you may ask why I gave him another chance:

• He was visibly remorseful, he took full responsibility for what he had done
• I found it extremely difficult to throw away the beautiful memories we had made as a couple once we had hit the perfect path in fixing our marriage. I knew what we were capable of as a couple, I knew what we had together, I didn’t feel like chucking that out the window, yes I needed time but the man I married had returned, the man I fell in love with.
• She changed him into somebody I did not recognize and as I said before, her words “if you saw the man he was with me, you would run for the hills”. For once she was right (although I don’t think she intended it that way), he was not the same man with her. He has repeatedly told me that she brought out a side in him that he didn’t know existed. With me, he has only ever been kind and gentle and respectful (Yeah yeah, I know, he wasn’t at first), but he came to his senses and took a lot of time to gain some perspective of who he was and what he was becoming. So for me, I was just taking my man back, the man I fell in love with.

Everyone has a different thinking pattern, but take your time and read the situation, try and look past the pain, humiliation and victimhood (if there is such a word) and make a mature and rational decision.

Just saying……