Three years into our new found marriage, where everything was just perfect, where I had come to terms with his betrayal and where I had come to accept her existence in this life, I was hit with a devastating and damaging bomb.
While driving home from a business meeting, my phone went absolutely nuts with a series of messages, I couldn’t read them at the time but decided to rather have a look when my car came to a stop. Once I had this chance, I opened these messages from a number I did not recognize and there they were…………….selfies of her in my house, screenshots of the conversations him and her were having, photos of my dogs, photos of him(one naked) and somehow even screenshots of messages that I had sent him while I was away.
I didn’t register at first, I hit a blank, never ever have I understood the power of having a delayed reaction but that day I got it, again, I suddenly found myself inside a nightmare. At the time I had no idea who had sent these messages, I thought it could have been someone that was acting as a whistleblower, or even her husband. Actually, believe it or not, I truly thought that she was at that moment in my house taking photos to cause trouble, I mean, she closely presented traits of a bunny boiler. I incesstantly called him, but no answer, that frustrated me and made me even more scared and angry, I needed to know what was going on, to say I was confused is just simply an under statement .
Because he wasn’t answering his phone, I opted to find out who this person was………….first answer I get is “It’s me”……who the hell is that? I first thought it was my husband being a coward but no, she is so self involved that she automatically assumed that I would automatically know it was her messaging from a strange number. Bottom line………..their relationship never ended, it carried on despite his change in behavior, now remember how I said before that I should have known that he would never end it given his initial reluctance? I should have stuck to that instinct……he simply carried on seeing her, like it was a big fat joke……..now this was the biggest humiliation and betrayal I have ever felt in my life, I was devastated and so so angry, I wanted to punch him in the face and balls, I wanted to bash her face into a wall…..I was so bitter. Only two hours later did he finally phone me and just said he was on his way home, meanwhile her and I were still talking and she was still sending me screenshots of their conversations and describing what had happened between them.
Before I continue…….let me put things into perspective, during the period between the first revelation of his affair and this second revelation, so may things had happened between us that never made me believe that he was still being unfaithful: we renewed our vows, we went on regular weekend breaks together, we had regular, in fact very regular sex, he was open about his feeling towards her (he displayed dislike), he showered me with gifts, he spoilt me, he loved me, if ever she stuck her nose in somewhere, he protected me and on one occasion in front of me told her to leave us alone , this is amongst so many other things.
I blamed myself, how could I not have known, how could I have been so stupid? How could I not see that he had been lying all these years, how? I should know him by now right? Having a broken heart is far worse than having a torn muscle or sprained ankle, I was broken, a part of me had died that day……he took a part of my soul that day. Over and above that, I was so disappointed in him, how could he? How was he sleeping at night? What ability does he have, to be able to lie straight faced for years? I couldn’t understand, more-so I truly and bitterly hated her, still now I wouldn’t give her a drink of water if she needed it in the desert.
What did she tell me:
- She sent me conversations between them where they were arguing
- Conversations where he had professed his love for her
- Conversations where he was getting angry about her husband
- She told me that I was not good enough for him
- She told me that he will never change
- She told me that she was helping me
- She told me how combative he was towards her
- She threatened to send me their intimate messages
- She told me how he repeatedly told her that he didn’t give a fuck about me or what I did
The list goes on, let’s just say that it felt like a thousand daggers in my heart…..and then the worst revelation of all, she had been pregnant with his child, which she says she opted to terminate.
Distraught is the only word I can describe how betrayed and violated I felt, I was totally and irreparably damaged.
We agreed, when we had decided to make things work the first time round that we would not tell anyone, nobody would know, we agreed that we each could speak to one person that we could confide in but otherwise not a soul would know what had happened. I stuck to that agreement, I didn’t tell a soul except my confidant. When the truth came out the second time, I was ready to crucify him, I was ready to blurt out his actions to every single person that knew him, to his family, his friends, colleagues, I was ready to ruin him, I was going to make his life a living hell. I mean, how dare he do this, how dare he violate me, lie to me, humiliate me, betray me, how dare he shit on my face the way he did, I was so angry, the feelings of regret started to flood in, why did I just not let him go the first time? Why did I think he would end it? I could have been happy, I could have settled down and I would never have been able to feel the pain I felt, I felt as though the three years past were not only lies but simply a waste of time and life, I felt ruthlessly robbed of happiness, how could he be so cold and heartless………this was not the man I married, this was not the man that committed his life to me………………….but wait………..I was right, this was not the man I married, I didn’t know who he was.
He came home and once he saw me sitting in the lounge so distraught and angry, he broke down, I have never seen a grown man cry the way he did that day, I was bitterly disappointed in him and his presence near me made me sick……I wanted to chase him out with only the clothes on his back, but somehow my self control prevailed and I let him explain………yes I know, some of you reading this must think I’m an idiot but I needed to know what was going on in his head. I didn’t allow him near me, he fell to his knees in front of me crying and started to explain himself.
There is no single excuse for behaving the way he did, nothing whatsoever could possibly be an excuse for why he did what he did. Now, before I continue, while he is trying to explain his pathetic self, this idiotic women wants to know what’s happening and also continued to send screenshots of chats and photos, she was on a roll…….I despised her existence, and what on earth did he see in her, she looked like a chameleon to me. Ok, I’m digressing. He gave me some crappy explanation about how she was blackmailing him and he was afraid of losing me and our daughter, she kept evidence of everything, all his whereabouts, dates when they were together, times he went to her and didn’t come home, the list goes on. He admitted that he didn’t want to end it at first but as time went on he realized that he had made the biggest mistake of his life, he realized once again what he had in me as his wife and first love, what he had at home as a family with his beautiful daughter, he realized once and for all that he had taken us for granted, and now this would explain why he slowly became so caring and loving and why things seemed so perfect. He explained that he found himself in a position where should he be truthful he would lose us and should he give in to her constant blackmail, he would lose us, so then, as time went on, he hoped that the relationship would fade, but the opposite happened, she grew more and more possessive, jealous and angry, and his every move was interrogated, he explained that he had found himself in a serious predicament and didn’t know what to do. It was like he had gotten himself addicted to a drug, enjoyed it at first and didn’t care what the consequences were but as time wore on he realized that this drug was only harmful and would harm everything around him but he could not stop it. I did not believe a word and continued to berate him and tell him how the sight of him disgusts me, but I needed time to think and I need to decide how I would deal with this. He wanted another chance and explained that he was at my mercy.
Our daughter was six at the time, she would never know what her Daddy did, she worshipped the ground he walked on, in addition, I had to protect her from what was going on between us. So I set certain conditions before I would make a final decision as to how we would deal with this situation and at the time I was certainly going to kick him out, but again self control prevailed and I needed to protect our daughter. I told him that he would go nowhere for the rest of the week, he would work from home, he would take our daughter to school and back, we would sleep in the same bed to ally any suspicions our daughter may have had (although he was warned that should he even come near me, I will punch him in his face). I spent the rest of that week isolated in a room in the house and kept up appearances with our daughter. I stopped eating from shock, I spent most my time in a catatonic state, re-evaluating his action, my actions, their actions and the evidence I had received over and over again. He was visibly worried, he kept bringing me food, which I refused, he kept checking in on me and I would ignore him, he kept saying how sorry he was, which I didn’t believe, I reckon I was near to dying from a broken heart or at least that it how I felt.
When I had the energy to talk, I would drown him in questions, obviously with a hostile tone, I was still so very angry but he answered every single question, some he answered with shame, some he answered just for clarity, but bottom line is he answered. So you probably curious as to why I was talking to him and why I wanted to know all this……….I had to know, I couldn’t carry on not knowing, the pain was too great and I figured that the more information I had to process the less I would sit wondering what else he knew and that would send my mind off into a presumptive frenzy, I couldn’t bear it, as it was at the time, there was very little I could bear. There was so much information he shared with me upon my request that hurt so bad. I had no more tears to cry, all I did was stare at him with disgust and anger, he returned that look with shame. I spent an entire week thinking and deliberating, some days I had made the choice to kick him out and in that process I was already working out the settlement agreement, other days I was considering giving him a chance…………the problem was that I loved him, I knew he loved me but I also knew that he was a first class dick head. I loved him but I didn’t like who he was and I didn’t like who he had become and I didn’t like what he had done to me and was I willing to live with that?
There was something she had said in one of her very many messages that stuck with me, it said “if you got a glimpse of the man he is with me, you would run for the hills”. I know that this was meant to scare me away, but the reason it stuck with me was because he was not that man with me, besides his infidelity, he never ever made me want to run for the hills. Oh and he never abused her either but he explained that she made him so incredibly angry sometimes with her constant accusations and interrogations, that their arguments were quite heated from a verbal perspective, she apparently had slapped him a few times but he never raised a hand. So again, as before, I became territorial, I again felt as though she had no claim whatsoever to him and even though he was happy to be rid of her, she was not going to get the satisfaction of breaking up a once very happy marriage and stable family, she hated and probably still hates my guts, but then again, that feeling is mutual. She would lose!
So yes, I got up on the fourth morning after the ordeal and told him that I would give him another chance, BUT…….there would be conditions, I would have access to his phone, I would have access to all his accounts, I would be allowed to track him and his whereabouts, I managed to download an app that could mirror his whattsapp messages, the list goes on. I explained that I needed time, lots of it but I was willing to try and make it work. The relief on his face was evident. So yes, I gave him another chance, and yes, nobody was ever told about this except my confidant (my mother). He explained that he needed to talk to my Mom to apologize for his horrific behavior, which meant a lot to me.
Ok yes, I know you want to judge me, I know you must think I’m the biggest idiot on two legs, I have my reasons and in posts to follow I’ll explain. I’ll explain how we have made our marriage work after his infidelity and how I have coped and moved on.
The secret life after infidelity 